Jokes
Husband Down
22/01/12 12:36
On the Public Address system:
'Cleanup on aisle 25,
We have a husband down.'
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Husband Down |
A husband and wife are shopping
when the husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back,
we can't afford them demands the wife,
and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a
$20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'Its my face cream.
It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts:
'So does 24 cans of beer
and it's half the price.'
He never knew what hit him.
What do you do ?
13/10/11 13:59
You
are on a Horse, galloping at a constant speed.
On your right side is a sharp drop off.
And on your left side is an Elephant traveling at the
same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping Kangaroo and
your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a Lion running at the same speed as you
and the Kangaroo.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly
dangerous situation?
See answer below.
Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.
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The Duck and the Circus
08/03/11 09:11
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks...
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. ... .
.
.
.
.
"What the heck would they want with a plasterer??!">
10 Simple Rules for Dating
02/10/10 11:37
10 Simple Rules For Dating A Freemasons Daughter
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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New Job
23/09/10 10:58
A
man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three
tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job,
Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage
- because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased;
He disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat
anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house,
He is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade, killing them both.
What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself,
Because lions eat anything.
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job,
Which is to collect honey from the South African bees.
As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees.
He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.
By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lion's cage
- because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
He wanders up to the other lions and says
'What's the food like here?'
The lions say:
'Absolutely brilliant.
Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees.'
Irish Prostitute
20/04/10 10:58
An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her Father cursed her
heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad..I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,sniff.'
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'
The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad..I became a prostitute...'
'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.' 'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club...(takes a breath)... And an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .' 'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad. Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff,sniff.'
'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.
| THE IRISH PROSTITUTE |
Flight attendant
04/03/10 11:51
THE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch' .
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Perils of being a Mason
17/02/10 16:14
Perils of being a Mason
As I walked down the busy road, knowing I was late for Lodge. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every town these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my Masonic teachings that always admonished me to
'care for the sick
feed the hungry
and clothe the naked'
I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags. My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'
![mime-attachment[1]](page20_blog_entry45_1.jpeg)
So I did
I won't be at Lodge this month
As I walked down the busy road, knowing I was late for Lodge. My eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every town these days. Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them. Recalling my Masonic teachings that always admonished me to
'care for the sick
feed the hungry
and clothe the naked'
I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person. Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags. My heart was touched by this person's condition. Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true, hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out, 'Reach out, reach out and touch this person!'
So I did
I won't be at Lodge this month